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I've been trying to think what I want to put in this entry for awhile (the last 5 days in fact). I've been wanting to put out there what is going on in my brain, in my life and everything else.

I'm gonna put this under a cut as I fear it may become long winded as there is so much I want to say and I don't want to clog my friend's timeline.

Okay first of I want to put out there that I suffer from a for of eating disorder (as suggested in my header) I've had an eating disorder of sorts since I was about 7 or 8 where I'd hoard food to eat and binge on I've been doing it for over 20 years ago and had no idea that it was even a real eating disorder until a few weeks ago when someone I know from an online community admitted to having the same issue. It's not bulimia I don't stuff my face then throw up I just overeat usually in secret and then end up feeling like crap when I do, do it. I even do the thing of skipping a meal then go off and secretly eat 'bad' foods. I have improved on this in the last few years but in the last week it's starting back again but the foods I'm eating are bad per sa but still not good either I'm eating over 2,000 calories (which if any of you following me on twitter will know is bad for me as I have been aiming to eat under 2,000 calories a day to help with the final leg of my weight-loss (which I'll talk about further later on). I just feel really bad about it and know that if I don't knock it on the head asap I'm going to fall back down the rabbit hole I've spent the last 5 years trying to dig myself out of. I don't know what to do my doctor's will be of no use because all they'll do is refer to the dietitian who is about as useful as a wet teabag in a thunderstorm.
If any of you have an suggestions I'm willing to listen to them.

Okay onto the next topic.

I have now been vegan for almost 4 years (yay me!) Anyways it's one of the best decisions I've ever made since going vegan I have lost 123lbs/8st 10lbs (I can't remember what it is in kg I think 56 or 57kg) I haven't been this weight since I was 13/14 so I'm my lightest in 14 years (yay me again!). I will admit it has been a struggle this last year (not the veganism part, but getting the weigh to come off) I have become more and more determined to stay vegan in the last year and love my family for supporting me in my journey (and on occasion joining me on my journey) I am trying my best to make the right choices for me which means no eating animals or products containing animal products even using products that have been tested on animals is a big no-no to me now. I only buy cleaning products that are either vegan or buva approved (sometimes both ;-)) I am trying to reduce my impact on the earth and use eco-friendly products in my house and on me when I can (the body products I find that are both eco-friendly and vegan can be 10x the price of just vegan body products which makes me sad). I have recently discovered a company called Bio-D who are vegan and eco-friendly and buva approved and their stuff really works I love their washing-up liquid, toilet cleaner and hand soap as they are fairly inexpensive and actually work (I have brought wash power and fabric softener from them too that I am trying now on a wash of my clothes to see how well it performs). I just wish these companies wouldn't make their products so expensive. I love Lush but their solid shampoo is drying my scalp to no end so I have quit using it and am using at the moment a vegan shampoo by Lanes that isn't too expensive to get hold of that has actual tea tree in it, it is helping but my scalp is so dry and Lush products just don't work on it I've tried but I am still using their veganese conditioner as it doesn't dry my hair out but leaves it soft and manageable. I have to say if any of my friends who aren't vegan and thinking about maybe going vegan it will change your life. For me it started out as being for my health, but when I found out how animals for food are kept and treated, it changed my life I have become quiet the spokes person for animal rights (as many of you who follow me on twitter or are friends with me on facebook will know). But seriously it is a process you need to go through, take baby steps there will be slips (god knows I have) but don't get discouraged just pick yourself up and say to yourself 'I will do better with my next meal'. Going vegan can seem daunting I know I felt like that just over 4 years ago but I did the thing of just giving up one products at a time and slowly feeling better about myself (and my body feeling better too) and within a few months of making the decision to go vegan I pretty much was 100% vegan. Yes I've made mistakes like missing an animal ingredient in something (usually whey) but you learn, you grow, you evolve.

Okay onto the next topic - Children.
Some of you may know 5 years ago I was offically diagnosed as having PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovaries Syndrome) fairly common these days for you to hear about it. Before February 2010 I hadn't had a period in about 2 years but since then I have been regular as clock work (mainly because I lost wight, but I was also given a tablet to kick start my cycles again). There is a big BUT here now I may not be able to have children (many PCOS suffers are infertile but not all) I don't know if I can have kids or not and I don't know if I'll ever be able to find out either. I haven't dated in over 8 years not since I was twice the size I am now and part of that is because I have so many body image issues (thank you ED) but some of it is from where I have lost weight (I've gone from just over 22st to 13 1/2st or 310lbs to 188lbs) the biggest problem area I have is my belly I have alot of my weight still there in lose skin and lumps and bumps I'm embarrassed about it and I can't get any help with it (I don't have the time for the gym I work 7 days a week and when I'm not working I'm taking care of my Mum who is disabled and requires me to do most of the household cleaning) the doctors won't do anything to help as I need to get my bmi down to 27, it's currently 30/31 and I have to stay at that 27 for a whole YEAR before they will do anything (If I haven't stopped eating by then and am just a walking skeleton as that's how I feel I hate my body and the way it looks I have very bad emotions attached to my stomach as it's a very negative area to me.) If I could have surgery and they removed the excess skin and fat that is there I would have a better control on my actual eating. (Part of my ED stems from my belly wobble and rolls and jiggly bits). I need to see the doctor but trying to get an actual appointment here is damn near impossible with their stupid system.
I think part of the reason I haven't dated is because of conflicting body image issues I have, how can I expect someone to love me when I don't love myself? I have come along way from where I was 5 years ago when I felt like ending it all as I felt I had nothing to live for as my body was so broken but now it's mending and I am starting to feel that way again that I have nothing to live for. All my brother's and sister have kids (My sister has 4 beautiful girls my eldest brother has a son and daughter, my youngest brother is expecting a second son any day now (his partner Vicky was due 4 days ago) and my middle brother is going to be a Dad in the next 6-8 weeks his wife is expecting but they don't want to know what they are going to have. I just feel like I'm being left behind. I haven't been asked out by anyone in 5 years not since I was the size of a double decker bus and I'm 30 next year I can hear my biological clock going off and I keep having to hit the 'off' button as there is nothing I can do right now about changing the status of my singleness. I have tried online dating and all I managed to attract was bloody foreigners who only want to marry me because I'm british. Heck even with my job I only get hit on by men old enough to be my Granddad or kissed by a gay man *sigh* I don't know what to do I don't think there is an answer other than becoming a crazy old lady with a cat.... wait I have a crazy cat, I'm just not old yet ;-) But seriously I think I just have to come to terms that I'm just going to be on my own for the rest of my life nothing I can do about that, there's nothing I can do about any of it really just enjoy the moment of now and see what tomorrow brings as long as it isn't misery and suffering I'll be fine I've had enough of those two things to last me a lifetime.

Okay I have finished now, don't feel better for it, in fact I just feel like curling up into a ball and crying for the next year.

Just a reminder you don't need an LJ account to reply but all 'anon' comments are screened after last years spam-fest I had on my account.

Love you all.
Sammy xxx

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